When I first met my wife, I was in awe. She was so beautiful and if you asked me if I remember what she was wearing the first time I met her, I could easily tell you (striped white/grey v neck, blue jeans and boots).

There was nothing that could ever make me think she wasn’t perfect… then I learned about her past.

Although it isn’t bad at all, she was imperfect and made some mistakes. I am sure I am not the only one who has been in this situation. Here are the steps on what judging your girlfriends’, fiancées’/wife’s past looks like in a few steps;

  1. I am in love with you, you are so perfect
  2. You have a pretty bad past
  3. This past is worse than I thought, this pushes me away.

I don’t know what that looks like for you, maybe she did drugs, maybe she had sexual relations with other men, maybe it is something a lot darker that you wish you never learned about in the first place. We can do 2 things with her past;

  1. hold it against her and not forgive
    or
  2. love her and promise her a better future.

In John 4, Jesus calls out a woman for sleeping with a man that is not her husband, and also the fact that she had been married 5 times. What He did with that truth is something that, as husbands, we are called to do. With her past completely known to Him, He offered her a new future. Not just any future, He promised her a fulfilled life. He promised her a life of joy and promise. (John 4:14- “whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life”)

What you do with your wife’s past can make the difference of insecurity (on both ends) and a life full of growth. By not forgiving her, we are, in a way, saying that we are better than God.

If God can forgive, why can’t you?

10 Responses

  1. It’s easy to say……harder to actually do.

    I’m struggling with this….not a wife, but dating situation.
    In my case, it might have been easier if it had come out slower, but she had a fear I thought less of her because she had kids, I didn’t, but one day early in our relationship, details about her history with these guys came out. I told her to stop the details I needed to process what I just heard, but she just kept bringing up more, and more details, and I asked her to stop over and over and she just kept getting more detailed. Finally I just got out of it. We got back together a week later, it came back up a few days after that, and in such detail I nearly threw up. I do feel like she doesn’t respect me enough to stop when I ask her too.
    But I don’t hold it against her, I don’t even feel like I ‘need to forgive’ because I don’t feel like it’s a slight on me in any way.
    But I can’t forget it.
    Every time I think of her, those details come back.
    I don’t know how to stop it.

  2. Hello Brother Jay,

    First let me just say, thanks for sharing this. I know sharing deep secrets as men is not always easy.
    Now, after reading your post I would suggest you appreciate her sharing this with you and placing the choice in your hands to remain with her or not. Because if these details came out after you were married (if you were going that way) it would only make it worse.

    Marriage magnifies everything!

    Remember one of the purposes of dating is gathering data on the other person. If data arises that you are not comfortable with you must make a decision ( to continue or not continue) with that data in mind. It’s not a heart decision but a head decision.

    Based on your post you already know what you should do.

    M.D.Henderson
    Christian Married Men Brotherhood
    thechristianmarriedman.com

  3. My past had its issues as well, and when I met my wife, I knew there was
    a past I would have to deal with since she already had a baby.

    As the
    dating process went, I found out more and more about the past, however
    it was me asking. I knew I loved her, and wanted to marry her, and
    decided to get the past out of the way before we were married.

    It was
    tough for her to share, and she was scared of my reactions, but I chose
    to love her and not let the past define her outlook on our future. I
    chose option #2 “to love her and promise a better future”.

    We have now
    been married 21 years, have 3 fantastic children, and are now both
    volunteering in a recovery program for teens, sharing the struggles of
    our past, but showing a happier future is available.

  4. OK Boys, The truth is someones past is none of your business, And the past is no place to live, Forgive her!? Really? She has done nothing to forgive but live life and learn. I am sure you boy’s have a past of your own…. As far as promising her a better future/life that is not up to you either. You want to be happy in a relationship? Let go of control, let go of ownership, you are people not possessions. And for goodness sake don’t treat your partner as if their your child, to be taught lessons or scolded. Go through life side by side, and live in the moment. Not the past…… Good luck and best wishes.

  5. Wow men get over yourselves…. hope you were perfect in every way before meeting your partner because my guess was you were not

  6. If she doesn’t think enough of you to stop when asked I’m thinking you need to reevaluate your relationship. If she feels she needs to get this out, she can seek counseling with in her church or out of it, You go work on you. Make you happy and healthy in mind body and soul. When you do the girl for you will show up.

  7. I think the biggest issue is ‘has she dealt with her past’. Unfortunately, males and females, bring too much of their past hurts into their marriages and it destroys them.

    And just saying, ‘I’ve dealt with these issues’, doesn’t mean much. Have they talked them through with people who know how to help them move past. This is the key issue for someone’s past.

  8. okay little girl, thanks for the useless comment, young girl. but if she won’t leave it in the past I don’t have a choice but to be reminded about it every single time she brings it up…young girl….I’ve harped that I don’t want to know, if she needs to talk details she needs a counselor ….but she won’t shut her mouth….
    You are so concerned about “control” you forget the most important part is to own up to your own mistakes and deal with them without constantly torturing your next ex over your unresolved issues.

    yes, IF SHE leaves it in the past and a guy has nothing to even think about

  9. It somehow makes me a bit relieved to see that I’m not the only one struggling with this issue in the world.

    Though my situation is that of my girlfriend’s, its something I want to face head-on before we enter marriage. She has made some bad choices with a man in the past, but she was forced into it. Like some of the comments here, the thoughts just linger on and refuse to go.

    I don’t know if its true forgiveness that I’ve given her, since I can’t help but recall those things she told me. She even told me to leave if it gets too hard, and about the implications if we got married. But my anger is not toward her, but to that man who has hurt her (and me) so much. Every day I’m haunted with thoughts of revenge and prosecution, and I beg God continuously for Him to cleanse me of it, as well as avenging us; though it is certainly up to Him.

    Sometimes I feel like giving up, but then again my love for her tells me I can’t. Something tells me that I have to keep on fighting, like Christ for His church. I know this sounds misplaced as we’re not married yet, but I think its better to face it now than later. I just hope that God will help me conquer this trial and that this struggle won’t last forever.

    Sorry for the rant, I just want help and to let it out somewhere.

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